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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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National Meat Surplus

Pork profits are substantially lower than last year because of a massive meat surplus. What do you think?
  • "I have just the tonic for a stagnant market in pork—product placement. The new Charlotte's Web movie is coming out this Christmas. Problem solved!"

    Lulu Quisling Lineman
  • "Buy low, sell high. This is the investment opportunity of a lifetime!"

    Herb LaFayette Optometrist
  • "I don't want to hear any more about this. I'm already eating as much bacon as I possibly can."

    Chuck Gimmino Copy-Shop Clerk
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