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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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National Meat Surplus

Pork profits are substantially lower than last year because of a massive meat surplus. What do you think?
  • "I have just the tonic for a stagnant market in pork—product placement. The new Charlotte's Web movie is coming out this Christmas. Problem solved!"

    Lulu Quisling Lineman
  • "Buy low, sell high. This is the investment opportunity of a lifetime!"

    Herb LaFayette Optometrist
  • "I don't want to hear any more about this. I'm already eating as much bacon as I possibly can."

    Chuck Gimmino Copy-Shop Clerk

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