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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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National Meat Surplus

Pork profits are substantially lower than last year because of a massive meat surplus. What do you think?
  • "I have just the tonic for a stagnant market in pork—product placement. The new Charlotte's Web movie is coming out this Christmas. Problem solved!"

    Lulu Quisling Lineman
  • "Buy low, sell high. This is the investment opportunity of a lifetime!"

    Herb LaFayette Optometrist
  • "I don't want to hear any more about this. I'm already eating as much bacon as I possibly can."

    Chuck Gimmino Copy-Shop Clerk

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