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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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National Park Service Provides Deer Meat To Homeless

In response to exploding populations of deer around Washington, D.C. parks, the National Park Service reportedly hired sharpshooters to cull some of the animals and then donated the meat to local homeless shelters. What do you think?

  • “So all I have to do to get fresh deer meat is pretend I’m homeless?”

    John McClenahan Plant Waterer
  • “It’s an exciting time to be homeless, that’s for sure.”

    Margery Berenson Dry Cleaning Specialist
  • “Isn’t there a way we could just kill deer without helping people?”

    Bill Campbell Electrician
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