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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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National Parks Under Siege

Attendance at America's national parks has quadrupled in the past 30 years, spawning pollution and traffic problems and prompting calls for a limit on the number of annual visitors. What do you think about our overburdened national parks?
  • "Hey, I own the national parks as much as anyone, so I'm going to plow my RV into as many herds of deer as I like."

    Oscar Sowell Machinist
  • "They should hire some more of those giant owls that pick up garbage."

    Jeff Palmer Teacher's Aide
  • "Maybe if the parks had some decent four-lane highways running through them, there wouldn't be so much traffic."

    Angela Koerner Systems Analyst
  • "I don't buy this overcrowding bullshit for a minute: They just want us out of Yosemite so they can grow more 'Old Faithful Primo Gold,' the special top-secret Senate marijuana."

    Steve Tendero Bartender
  • "Why visit some overcrowded national park when you can spend your summer vacation at the Our Lady Of Fatima Grotto & Fireworks Stand, located just five miles off I-90 in scenic Onida, SD?"

    Lynette Bosch Claims Adjuster
  • "The beauty of our national parks is awe-inspiring. Except for Jellystone. I drove through there once, and it was just the same tree, rock, and picnic bench going by in the background over and over."

    Christopher Lee Writer

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