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National Parks Under Siege

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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National Parks Under Siege

Attendance at America's national parks has quadrupled in the past 30 years, spawning pollution and traffic problems and prompting calls for a limit on the number of annual visitors. What do you think about our overburdened national parks?
  • "Hey, I own the national parks as much as anyone, so I'm going to plow my RV into as many herds of deer as I like."

    Oscar Sowell
    Machinist
  • "They should hire some more of those giant owls that pick up garbage."

    Jeff Palmer
    Teacher's Aide
  • "Maybe if the parks had some decent four-lane highways running through them, there wouldn't be so much traffic."

    Angela Koerner
    Systems Analyst
  • "I don't buy this overcrowding bullshit for a minute: They just want us out of Yosemite so they can grow more 'Old Faithful Primo Gold,' the special top-secret Senate marijuana."

    Steve Tendero
    Bartender
  • "Why visit some overcrowded national park when you can spend your summer vacation at the Our Lady Of Fatima Grotto & Fireworks Stand, located just five miles off I-90 in scenic Onida, SD?"

    Lynette Bosch
    Claims Adjuster
  • "The beauty of our national parks is awe-inspiring. Except for Jellystone. I drove through there once, and it was just the same tree, rock, and picnic bench going by in the background over and over."

    Christopher Lee
    Writer

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