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National Parks Under Siege

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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National Parks Under Siege

Attendance at America's national parks has quadrupled in the past 30 years, spawning pollution and traffic problems. What do you think?
  • "Hey, I own the national parks as much as anyone, so I'm going to plow my RV into as many herds of deer as I like."

    Oscar Sowell Machinist
  • "They should hire some more of those giant owls that pick up garbage."

    Jeff Palmer Teacher
  • "Maybe if the parks had some decent four-lane highways running through them, there wouldn't be so much traffic."

    Angela Koerner Systems Analyst
  • "I don't buy this overcrowding bullshit for a minute: They just want us out of Yellowstone so they can grow more 'Old Faithful Primo Gold,' the special top-secret Senate marijuana."

    Steve Tendero Bartender
  • "Why visit some overcrowded national park when you can spend your summer vacation at the Our Lady Of Fatima Grotto & Fireworks Stand, located just five miles off I-90 in scenic Onida, SD?"

    Lynette Bosch Claims Adjuster
  • "The beauty of our national parks is awe-inspiring. Except for Jellystone. I drove through there once, and it was just the same tree, rock, and picnic bench going by in the background over and over."

    Christopher Lee Advertising Sales

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