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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Nation's Busiest Highway Closes For Weekend

A 10-mile stretch of L.A.’s Interstate 405, the busiest highway in the United States, is closing for the weekend, causing many to cancel plans. What do you think?

  • "Oh, no! You can still jump off the overpass, though, right?"

    Kim Campbell Systems Analyst
  • "So much for L.A. being superior to everywhere else. I believe I'll go drive I-94 this weekend—not because I have anyplace to go, but simply because I can."

    Michael Dunbar Battery Inspector
  • "Can't L.A. residents just spend 48 hours waiting patiently in their cars for traffic to start moving again, the way they normally do?"

    David Lander Administrative Director
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