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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation's Busiest Highway Closes For Weekend

A 10-mile stretch of L.A.’s Interstate 405, the busiest highway in the United States, is closing for the weekend, causing many to cancel plans. What do you think?

  • "Oh, no! You can still jump off the overpass, though, right?"

    Kim Campbell Systems Analyst
  • "So much for L.A. being superior to everywhere else. I believe I'll go drive I-94 this weekend—not because I have anyplace to go, but simply because I can."

    Michael Dunbar Battery Inspector
  • "Can't L.A. residents just spend 48 hours waiting patiently in their cars for traffic to start moving again, the way they normally do?"

    David Lander Administrative Director

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