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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Nation’s Doctors Classify Obesity As Disease

At their annual meeting this week, the American Medical Association officially recognized obesity, which affects about a third of all Americans, as a disease. What do you think?

  • “So the first lady has just been hassling a bunch of sick kids?”

    Margo Leder Orchestra Conductor
  • “I hope this means I can get my insurance company to pay for some wider pants.”

    Lewis Pontrelli Ribbon Winder
  • “Fat people don’t deserve any more sympathy than they already get.”

    Terry Chooljian Flatware Maker

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God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

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