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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Nation's Power Grid Hacked

According to The Wall Street Journal, the U.S. electrical grid has been compromised by Russian and Chinese cyber-spies, putting the country's infrastructure at risk. What do you think?
  • "These spies must know someone on the inside who revealed America's secret: Everyone here is afraid of the dark."

    Sharon Brown Systems Analyst
  • “I should have known the filthy Ruskies were behind my electricity getting shut off.”

    David Faulkner Cultivation Manager
  • "This always confuses me. Does it mean batteries will still work, or no?"

    Joel Comegys Railroad Crane Operator

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