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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation's Power Grid Hacked

According to The Wall Street Journal, the U.S. electrical grid has been compromised by Russian and Chinese cyber-spies, putting the country's infrastructure at risk. What do you think?
  • "These spies must know someone on the inside who revealed America's secret: Everyone here is afraid of the dark."

    Sharon Brown Systems Analyst
  • “I should have known the filthy Ruskies were behind my electricity getting shut off.”

    David Faulkner Cultivation Manager
  • "This always confuses me. Does it mean batteries will still work, or no?"

    Joel Comegys Railroad Crane Operator

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