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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Navy Bans Smoking On Submarines

The U.S. Navy has officially banned smoking on submarines while the crafts are below the surface. What do you think?

  • "I think this is a bad move strategically. They're going to have to surface every hour for smoke breaks."

    Jeff Sherman Unemployed
  • "I'm sure some sailors may be mad about this, but think of it this way: You get to ride on a submarine!"

    Claire Jones Receiving Weigher
  • "Well, that's just great. Now what are sailors supposed to do after they've had sex on a submarine?"

    Ward Banks Machine Marker
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