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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Navy Bans Smoking On Submarines

The U.S. Navy has officially banned smoking on submarines while the crafts are below the surface. What do you think?

  • "I think this is a bad move strategically. They're going to have to surface every hour for smoke breaks."

    Jeff Sherman Unemployed
  • "I'm sure some sailors may be mad about this, but think of it this way: You get to ride on a submarine!"

    Claire Jones Receiving Weigher
  • "Well, that's just great. Now what are sailors supposed to do after they've had sex on a submarine?"

    Ward Banks Machine Marker

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