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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Navy Bans Smoking On Submarines

The U.S. Navy has officially banned smoking on submarines while the crafts are below the surface. What do you think?

  • "I think this is a bad move strategically. They're going to have to surface every hour for smoke breaks."

    Jeff Sherman Unemployed
  • "I'm sure some sailors may be mad about this, but think of it this way: You get to ride on a submarine!"

    Claire Jones Receiving Weigher
  • "Well, that's just great. Now what are sailors supposed to do after they've had sex on a submarine?"

    Ward Banks Machine Marker

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