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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Navy Develops Drone-Destroying Laser Cannon

The U.S. Navy announced the successful development of a powerful laser cannon that is capable of taking down drone aircraft, which will be mounted to the deck of a ship and deployed to the Persian Gulf to deter Iranian aggression. What do you think?

  • “Good. I’ve always said we need more ways to shoot things.”

    Stephanie Sarreal Unemployed
  • “Can’t we for once use a drone-destroying laser cannon for good?”

    Dale Koehler Lithographic Proofer
  • “Just like a Navy man: mounting his laser cannon to a ship rather than freehanding it.”

    Steve Chan Bulldozer Operator

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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