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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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NBC Universal Buying iVillage

Media giant NBC Universal recently paid $600 million for iVillage, an Internet company catering to women. What do you think?
  • "And all this time I assumed NBC didn't care about my need to lose weight."

    Kaelin Goulet Jet Mechanic
  • "I run a website NBC might be interested in buying. It also appeals to women. Who like other women. And cake batter. In unorthodox places."

    Philip Korf Landscape Architect
  • "So iVillage will be owned by NBC Universal, which is owned by GE… I'm totally in the lead on ‘the six corporate conglomerate degrees of Thomas Edison.’"

    Kevin Patrick Insurance Underwriter
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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