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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Neil Armstrong Dies

Neil Armstrong, commander of the Apollo 11 mission and the first man to step foot on the moon, died Saturday following complications from heart surgery. He was 82. What do you think?

  • “At least by the time he passed he died knowing he had helped the moon become one of the most recognizable objects in the world.”

    Jessica Kosakura Gold Reclaimer
  • “So somebody’s knocking off men who’ve been on the moon. But why? Who benefits from it? Hmm.”

    Frank Krzanowski Systems Analyst
  • “It’s always sad when man dies. Sorry, I actually meant ‘a’ man.”

    Dennis Gawley Varnish Maker
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