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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Neil Armstrong Dies

Neil Armstrong, commander of the Apollo 11 mission and the first man to step foot on the moon, died Saturday following complications from heart surgery. He was 82. What do you think?

  • “At least by the time he passed he died knowing he had helped the moon become one of the most recognizable objects in the world.”

    Jessica Kosakura Gold Reclaimer
  • “So somebody’s knocking off men who’ve been on the moon. But why? Who benefits from it? Hmm.”

    Frank Krzanowski Systems Analyst
  • “It’s always sad when man dies. Sorry, I actually meant ‘a’ man.”

    Dennis Gawley Varnish Maker

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