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Nelson Mandela Turns 94

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Nelson Mandela Turns 94

To celebrate former president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela’s 94th birthday Wednesday, citizens throughout South Africa dedicated 67 minutes of the day—one minute for each year of Mandela’s public service—to volunteering activities. What do you think?

  • “So I guess he was just being lazy those other 27 years.”

    Charlie Haines Systems Analyst
  • “How tough could life under apartheid have been if this guy’s 94 years old?”

    Everett Middlebrooks Cybersecurity Consultant
  • “Did he get my card?”

    Alexandra Staats Gaffer

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