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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Nelson Mandela Turns 94

To celebrate former president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela’s 94th birthday Wednesday, citizens throughout South Africa dedicated 67 minutes of the day—one minute for each year of Mandela’s public service—to volunteering activities. What do you think?

  • “So I guess he was just being lazy those other 27 years.”

    Charlie Haines Systems Analyst
  • “How tough could life under apartheid have been if this guy’s 94 years old?”

    Everett Middlebrooks Cybersecurity Consultant
  • “Did he get my card?”

    Alexandra Staats Gaffer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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