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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Nelson Mandela Turns 94

To celebrate former president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela’s 94th birthday Wednesday, citizens throughout South Africa dedicated 67 minutes of the day—one minute for each year of Mandela’s public service—to volunteering activities. What do you think?

  • “So I guess he was just being lazy those other 27 years.”

    Charlie Haines Systems Analyst
  • “How tough could life under apartheid have been if this guy’s 94 years old?”

    Everett Middlebrooks Cybersecurity Consultant
  • “Did he get my card?”

    Alexandra Staats Gaffer

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