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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nepal Issues IDs With 'Third Gender' Option

In what is being hailed as a major victory for transgender activists, the Himalayan nation of Nepal began issuing citizenship certificates that allow the holder to select the option “third gender” if they do not identify as male or female. What do you think?

  • “Now where am I supposed to go on vacation? Nepal was my go-to destination for gender certainty.”

    Ty Cangemi Cabana Attendant
  • “Sure, this is great for men, women, and the third-gendered, but when will we humanimals finally get the recognition we deserve?”

    Bobbi Dee Wischnack Sock Examiner
  • “Now I’m even further from an answer about that Sherpa I traveled with last year.”

    John-Clay Wilhoit Illustrator

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