adBlockCheck

Recent News

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nestlé Creates Ad For Dogs

Nestlé aired a pet food ad on Austrian television that consisted of blips and high-pitched noises meant to attract dogs. What do you think?

  • "My dog is way too jaded by our society's rampant commercialism to ever fall for a commercial like that."

    Dale Kilmister Systems Analyst
  • “I guess it does make sense to target one of the few demographics with zero percent unemployment.”

    Petra Wallis Relay-Shop Supervisor
  • "Wouldn't they have more luck if they put a sexy lady dog in the ad?"

    Kevin Fox Wash Operator

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close