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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Nestlé Recalls Hot Pockets

Nestlé is voluntarily recalling two varieties of its popular Hot Pockets microwaveable turnovers, “Philly Steak and Cheese” and “Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese,” because they may contain meat from “diseased and unsound” animals. What do you think?

  • “I wasn’t surprised to hear this about the Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pocket—but the Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pocket, too?”

    Martin Conwill Gene Sequencer
  • “I guess their standards for Hot Pockets are a lot higher than mine.”

    David Arrowood Bread Baker
  • “But will they still be selling some of the borderline ones in a bargain bin?”

    Carrie Abaya Bead Store Owner

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