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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Nestlé Recalls Hot Pockets

Nestlé is voluntarily recalling two varieties of its popular Hot Pockets microwaveable turnovers, “Philly Steak and Cheese” and “Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese,” because they may contain meat from “diseased and unsound” animals. What do you think?

  • “I wasn’t surprised to hear this about the Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pocket—but the Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pocket, too?”

    Martin Conwill Gene Sequencer
  • “I guess their standards for Hot Pockets are a lot higher than mine.”

    David Arrowood Bread Baker
  • “But will they still be selling some of the borderline ones in a bargain bin?”

    Carrie Abaya Bead Store Owner

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