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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Netanyahu: Iran 6 Months From Bomb

On Meet the Press Sunday, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu said Iran would have nuclear weapons capability in six to seven months and urged Americans to elect a president who would draw a “red line” against Iranian nuclear ambitions. What do you think?

  • “That’s terrifying! We need to give more money to Israel to make things better.”

    Dorian Halloran Plate Glass Glazier
  • “This sounds like a complicated problem that only a president with courage and no diplomatic skills at all could solve.”

    Jaquita Barnoya Securities Broker
  • “He’s only saying that because he doesn’t want to die in a nuclear explosion.”

    Zack Orlando Pollution Control Engineer

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