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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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New Air-Travel Guidelines

U.S. airlines are now allowing small quantities of fluids onto airplanes. What do you think?
  • "Thank God. I don't think I'd be able to make one more flight from New York to Chicago with a mouthful of shampoo."

    Elaine Siegel Sales Representative
  • "The ban was a necessary precaution. We have to be willing to make these kinds of sacrifices if we're going to prevent scientifically impossible terrorist attacks."

    Alex Hunter Surveyor
  • "By giving passengers renewed access to these gels, lotions, and shampoos, we run the risk of creating a very dangerous, highly evasive, and super-slippery terrorist able to avoid all manners of restraint."

    Ed Johansen Systems Analyst

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