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New Ankle-Bracelet Baby Monitor Predicts Infant’s Mood

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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New Ankle-Bracelet Baby Monitor Predicts Infant’s Mood

A company called Sproutling has introduced a $250 wearable baby monitor that fits around the infant’s ankle and records vital signs like heart rate, skin temperature, and motion to predict when the baby will wake up and what mood he or she will be in. What do you think?

  • “Wow—constantly fretting about slight deviations from your baby’s baseline normal behavior has never been easier.”

    Joe Thiele
    Hardware Seller
  • “Given the incredible variety and subtlety of a baby’s emotions, this seems next to impossible.”

    Laura Fox
    Stationary Printer
  • “What a boon to terrible mothers who can’t already intuitively tell exactly how their baby is feeling at all times.”

    William Lewin
    Systems Analyst

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