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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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New Antibiotic-Resistant Gonorrhea Strain Found

Investigators at the Centers for Disease Control have identified a new strain of gonorrhea that is resistant to the effects of most antibiotics. What do you think?

  • “If only those goddamn bioethicists would quit meddling with my gonorrhea-resistant human research.”

    Allison Stratton Biologist
  • "Hey, ladies, no worries here. My gonorrhea is still 100 percent treatable by cephalosporins. So what do you say, mamacita?"

    Jason Bayley Systems Analyst
  • "Suddenly I don't really want to get gonorrhea anymore."

    Mike Di’Anno Unemployed
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