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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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New Barbie Released In Curvy, Petite Forms

With sales on the decline since 2012, Mattel has announced a sweeping redesign of the latest Barbie dolls, which in addition to the classic slender version will now be sold in tall, curvy, and petite sizes for the first time. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a Barbie that comes in all four shapes of woman!”

    Troy Westin Window Dresser
  • “That sounds drastic. Why don’t they just give her a haircut and check the sales numbers in another four years?”

    Emmy Verdin Formula Deviser
  • “This is really going to save me the work of screwing Barbie’s head onto my old Triple H dolls.”

    Braden Hoth Ballot Dimpler
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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