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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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New Batwoman: Lesbian

DC Comics is re-introducing the character Batwoman, only this time as a lesbian. What do you think?
  • "So she's a villain now? Is that it?"

    Will Bailey Barber
  • "I applaud DC Comics for taking the bold step of introducing a voluptuous, beautiful, girl-kissing superheroine. I only hope DC's legion of chronic masturbators will accept her."

    Liam Pierce Ship Builder
  • "What's next, a really gay superhero?"

    Betty Anderson Gas Station Attendant
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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