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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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New 'Call Of Duty' Released

The highly anticipated first-person shooter Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2 went on sale at midnight, and according to a poll on the gaming website IGN, one in four purchasers planned to call in sick to school or work today to play the new game. What do you think?

  • “Big deal. I called in sick to watch the Facts Of Life finale.”

    Hal Segan Unemployed
  • “I actually called in sick today. Do you think I should buy the game so it doesn’t look weird?”

    Morgan Caracciolo Gasket Molder
  • “It’s ridiculous to call in sick to play a game and not just because you hate your job with all your heart.”

    Emily Yonover Train Dispatcher

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