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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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New 'Call Of Duty' Released

The highly anticipated first-person shooter Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2 went on sale at midnight, and according to a poll on the gaming website IGN, one in four purchasers planned to call in sick to school or work today to play the new game. What do you think?

  • “Big deal. I called in sick to watch the Facts Of Life finale.”

    Hal Segan Unemployed
  • “I actually called in sick today. Do you think I should buy the game so it doesn’t look weird?”

    Morgan Caracciolo Gasket Molder
  • “It’s ridiculous to call in sick to play a game and not just because you hate your job with all your heart.”

    Emily Yonover Train Dispatcher

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