New Cell Phone Device Processes Credit Cards

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Vol 45 Issue 50

Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object from Brian Jensen's dream Sunday night was suddenly struck by the unusually powerful smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported.

Mark Ingram

The Alabama halfback may become the first Crimson Tide player ever to win the Heisman. Is he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

New Cell Phone Device Processes Credit Cards

Twitter cofounder Jack Dorsey has introduced the Square, a device that plugs into an iPhone or iPod Touch's headphone jack and allows the user to swipe credit cards. What do you think?
  • "Finally. I was getting tired of making my friends pay me in cash every time they wanted to use my phone."

    Gerry Saunders
    Labeler
  • "I had that idea years ago! I said, 'I should come up with a really great idea. Maybe something to do with a phone?' Damn it. I should have copyrighted that."

    Kay Turner
    Will-Call Clerk
  • "This is easily going to double my business in piggyback rides."

    Nathan Vockeroth
    Unemployed
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