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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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New Cell Phone Device Processes Credit Cards

Twitter cofounder Jack Dorsey has introduced the Square, a device that plugs into an iPhone or iPod Touch's headphone jack and allows the user to swipe credit cards. What do you think?
  • "Finally. I was getting tired of making my friends pay me in cash every time they wanted to use my phone."

    Gerry Saunders Labeler
  • "I had that idea years ago! I said, 'I should come up with a really great idea. Maybe something to do with a phone?' Damn it. I should have copyrighted that."

    Kay Turner Will-Call Clerk
  • "This is easily going to double my business in piggyback rides."

    Nathan Vockeroth Unemployed
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