New Chemical Element Created

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Vol 48 Issue 39

The Science Of Sex

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Scientists take an up-close look at what attracts us to each other and why, using clinical words for stuff like “cock” and “fucking.”

Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person. Those clo...

Voting Begins In Iowa

More than a month before Election Day, residents of key swing state Iowa began casting their ballots at designated polling locations yesterday as part of the state’s early voting process.

Robot Butler

Fox 9:30 p.m. EDT/8:30 p.m. CDT A drink order does not compute, so Robot Butler murders everyone.
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New Chemical Element Created

After years of efforts, Japanese scientists claim to have finally synthesized element 113 on the periodic table, and if their findings are verified, it will mark the first time an Asian research team has had the honor of bestowing an official name on a new element. What do you think?

  • “Jeez. How many elements are scientists going to have before they’re happy?”

    Cliff Pfister
    Avionics Technician
  • “But we still haven’t figured out what to do with copernicium.”

    Melanie Putynowski
    Returned Goods Sorter
  • “I bet they’ll give it an Asian name then give it another Caucasian name, like Albert or Cindy.”

    Brianna Fowler
    Cephalometric Analyst
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