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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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New Cuddlr App Helps Strangers Meet For ‘Platonic Cuddling’

A new smartphone app called Cuddlr uses GPS technology to help users find people in the nearby area who would like to meet up for “platonic cuddling.” What do you think?

  • “Oh, great, another platonic cuddling app.”

    Gertrude Burke Barbershop Quartet Manager
  • “I kind of miss back when everyone would’ve been too ashamed to follow through on an idea like this.”

    Matt Ojeda Unemployed
  • “Who says we’re in a tech bubble?”

    Justin Dorn Board Games Marketer

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