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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Dating Site Caters To Disney Fans

A new dating website called Mouse Mingle seeks to connect people via a mutual love of Walt Disney films, pairing users according to their favorite Disney songs, characters, and park attractions. What do you think?

  • “I think 8-year-olds are a little young to be dating.”

    Dottie Carson Purse Engineer
  • “Whatever happened to just showing up to the bar in a Cogsworth costume and seeing who’s into it?”

    Howie Baird Notebook Binder
  • “Finally I can gush over ’Song Of The South’ with like-minded fans.”

    Lawrence Van Ness Voiceover Coach

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