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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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New Drug Lengthens Eyelashes

A glaucoma drug called Lumigan is now being marketed for its side effect of growing eyelashes longer. What do you think?
  • "No thanks. My current glaucoma medication has the more beneficial side effect of getting me high off my ass."

    Jerome Blair Mechanic
  • "Why not just come out and say that you don't like my eyelashes?! Oh God, I'm sorry. I just feel so inadequate and angry about my tiny lashes."

    Geoff Hooper Window Dresser
  • "After 10 weeks of use, my eyelashes have never been fuller and longer and I am unequivocally a better person because of it."

    Charlotte Tydrich Mail Sorter

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