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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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New Drug Lengthens Eyelashes

A glaucoma drug called Lumigan is now being marketed for its side effect of growing eyelashes longer. What do you think?
  • "No thanks. My current glaucoma medication has the more beneficial side effect of getting me high off my ass."

    Jerome Blair Mechanic
  • "Why not just come out and say that you don't like my eyelashes?! Oh God, I'm sorry. I just feel so inadequate and angry about my tiny lashes."

    Geoff Hooper Window Dresser
  • "After 10 weeks of use, my eyelashes have never been fuller and longer and I am unequivocally a better person because of it."

    Charlotte Tydrich Mail Sorter
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