New Facebook App Tells You Suitors Waiting

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comedy

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

New Facebook App Tells You Suitors Waiting

WaitingRoom, a new Facebook application, lets users in a relationship know when other people become interested in them romantically, revealing these secret admirers' identities only when users switch their status to "single." What do you think?

  • "Not for me, thanks. I prefer to let my crush know that I'm interested the old-fashioned way: waiting outside her garage door until she goes to put out the trash, then leaping out at her and giving her a hug."

    Terry Landmark
    Inlayer
  • "I'm a Southern lady with traditional values. I prefer that prospective gentlemen callers first declare their intentions through my father's Facebook page."

    Danielle Coombs
    Whiting-Machine Operator
  • "I can't believe it. This is a blatant rip-off of Adult Friendfinder's 'Sloppy Seconds' app."

    Wallace Peters
    Lawyer
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