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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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New Facebook App Tells You Suitors Waiting

WaitingRoom, a new Facebook application, lets users in a relationship know when other people become interested in them romantically, revealing these secret admirers' identities only when users switch their status to "single." What do you think?

  • "Not for me, thanks. I prefer to let my crush know that I'm interested the old-fashioned way: waiting outside her garage door until she goes to put out the trash, then leaping out at her and giving her a hug."

    Terry Landmark Inlayer
  • "I'm a Southern lady with traditional values. I prefer that prospective gentlemen callers first declare their intentions through my father's Facebook page."

    Danielle Coombs Whiting-Machine Operator
  • "I can't believe it. This is a blatant rip-off of Adult Friendfinder's 'Sloppy Seconds' app."

    Wallace Peters Lawyer

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