New Facebook App Tells You Suitors Waiting

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

New Facebook App Tells You Suitors Waiting

WaitingRoom, a new Facebook application, lets users in a relationship know when other people become interested in them romantically, revealing these secret admirers' identities only when users switch their status to "single." What do you think?

  • "Not for me, thanks. I prefer to let my crush know that I'm interested the old-fashioned way: waiting outside her garage door until she goes to put out the trash, then leaping out at her and giving her a hug."

    Terry Landmark
    Inlayer
  • "I'm a Southern lady with traditional values. I prefer that prospective gentlemen callers first declare their intentions through my father's Facebook page."

    Danielle Coombs
    Whiting-Machine Operator
  • "I can't believe it. This is a blatant rip-off of Adult Friendfinder's 'Sloppy Seconds' app."

    Wallace Peters
    Lawyer
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