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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Genetic Links To Baldness Found

A new report in the journal Nature Genetics points to genetic markers for baldness that could be screened for. What do you think?
  • "One day, perhaps in the near future, we'll be able to tell just by DNA testing who is bald."

    Katie Burns Systems Analyst
  • "These doctors are always one step ahead. Like when I think of curing cancer, they've already moved on to male pattern baldness."

    Chuck Dannan Public Relations
  • "Too bad they didn't discover this before my dad died. That could have significantly reduced the snickering heard as friends and relatives passed the open casket."

    Peter Doan Unemployed

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