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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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New Indiana Jones Film In The Works

After a year of rumors, Disney has confirmed that Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are teaming up for a fifth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise, due out July 2019. What do you think?

  • “Why not? It worked twice before.”

    Rick Buhrman Gait Corrector
  • “Fans of the franchise have made it perfectly clear that what we’re really looking for is a serialized Short Round spinoff.”

    Donnie McCluskey Interim Dishwasher
  • “Will they be able to reclaim his hat from the Planet Hollywood in Orlando?”

    Livia Perl Aspiring Bailiff

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