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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Jersey To Use Military Vehicles As Polling Places

With the election four days away and much of New Jersey still reeling from Hurricane Sandy, state officials announced that military trucks would serve as polling locations in hard-hit areas. What do you think?

  • “I’d really like to vote in a monster truck if that’s in any way possible.”

    Diana Jervoise Systems Analyst
  • “My thoughts and prayers go out to the loved ones of the poor men and women deployed to that terrible, terrible place.”

    Lucas Heeks Inlayer
  • “Thank God this isn’t happening in a state that matters.”

    William Eastmond Lubrication Technician

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