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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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New Jersey Votes On Death Penalty Ban

The New Jersey Assembly will vote on Dec. 13 whether to abolish the death penalty. What do you think?
  • "That's good, but I'd still rather kill people in New York."

    Kira Hauser Registered Nurse
  • "Hey, I'm all for the decision, just as long as New Jersey doesn't get rid of the slow, torturous death of a regular prison sentence."

    Ed Dolby Vending Machine Reapairman
  • "They haven't executed anybody in 44 years. Shouldn't they at least try it before abolishing it all together?"

    George Dean Systems Analyst

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