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New Jersey Votes On Death Penalty Ban

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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New Jersey Votes On Death Penalty Ban

The New Jersey Assembly will vote on Dec. 13 whether to abolish the death penalty. What do you think?
  • "That's good, but I'd still rather kill people in New York."

    Kira Hauser Registered Nurse
  • "Hey, I'm all for the decision, just as long as New Jersey doesn't get rid of the slow, torturous death of a regular prison sentence."

    Ed Dolby Vending Machine Reapairman
  • "They haven't executed anybody in 44 years. Shouldn't they at least try it before abolishing it all together?"

    George Dean Systems Analyst

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