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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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New Jersey Votes On Death Penalty Ban

The New Jersey Assembly will vote on Dec. 13 whether to abolish the death penalty. What do you think?
  • "That's good, but I'd still rather kill people in New York."

    Kira Hauser Registered Nurse
  • "Hey, I'm all for the decision, just as long as New Jersey doesn't get rid of the slow, torturous death of a regular prison sentence."

    Ed Dolby Vending Machine Reapairman
  • "They haven't executed anybody in 44 years. Shouldn't they at least try it before abolishing it all together?"

    George Dean Systems Analyst

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