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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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New Mariah Carey CD Has Ads

The 34-page booklet for Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel, the new CD from Island Def Jam recording artist Mariah Carey, includes advertisements for such products as Elizabeth Arden cosmetics. What do you think?
  • "Oh, well, that's not so bad. Or does it have songs, too?"

    Frank Paterson Building Inspector
  • "I like being marketed to. It's like someone out there still thinks I'm employable."

    Tom Weiss Unemployed
  • "I am always happy to hear about potentially lucrative new revenue streams for Mariah Carey."

    Adrienne Hysen Bus Driver

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