New Mariah Carey CD Has Ads

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Vol 45 Issue 40

Reds Cut Magic Number To 17

CINCINNATI—Trailing the first-place Cardinals by only 15 games with less than a week to go in the regular season, the Cincinnati Reds cut their magic number down to 17 with a win over St. Louis Tuesday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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New Mariah Carey CD Has Ads

The 34-page booklet for Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel, the new CD from Island Def Jam recording artist Mariah Carey, includes advertisements for such products as Elizabeth Arden cosmetics. What do you think?
  • "Oh, well, that's not so bad. Or does it have songs, too?"

    Frank Paterson
    Building Inspector
  • "I like being marketed to. It's like someone out there still thinks I'm employable."

    Tom Weiss
    Unemployed
  • "I am always happy to hear about potentially lucrative new revenue streams for Mariah Carey."

    Adrienne Hysen
    Bus Driver
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