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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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New Mexico Bans Cockfighting

New Mexico banned cockfighting last week, making Louisiana the only state where it remains legal. What do you think?
  • "Isn't it better that those crazy roosters fight each other rather than us?"

    Daniel Rosen Donut Maker
  • "But if a fight should break out naturally, who's to judge the human urge to make it interesting?"

    Anne Malloy Historian
  • "Damn. That was the only sport left where I could stand around a pit screaming and clutching a sweaty wad of money in my hand."

    Frank Benedict Back Hoe Operator

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