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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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New Mexico Bans Cockfighting

New Mexico banned cockfighting last week, making Louisiana the only state where it remains legal. What do you think?
  • "Isn't it better that those crazy roosters fight each other rather than us?"

    Daniel Rosen Donut Maker
  • "But if a fight should break out naturally, who's to judge the human urge to make it interesting?"

    Anne Malloy Historian
  • "Damn. That was the only sport left where I could stand around a pit screaming and clutching a sweaty wad of money in my hand."

    Frank Benedict Back Hoe Operator

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