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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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New Mexico Bans Cockfighting

New Mexico banned cockfighting last week, making Louisiana the only state where it remains legal. What do you think?
  • "Isn't it better that those crazy roosters fight each other rather than us?"

    Daniel Rosen Donut Maker
  • "But if a fight should break out naturally, who's to judge the human urge to make it interesting?"

    Anne Malloy Historian
  • "Damn. That was the only sport left where I could stand around a pit screaming and clutching a sweaty wad of money in my hand."

    Frank Benedict Back Hoe Operator

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