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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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New Monkey Discovered

Previously undocumented by science but known to locals as the lesula, a shy species of monkey with a hairless face and blond mane was discovered by zoologists in the remote lowland rainforests of the Democratic Republic of Congo. What do you think?

  • “Before we get attached to this new species, are there any natural resources in its habitat we might want to exploit?”

    Ian Fung Unemployed
  • “Just skip to the important details. How strong is its organ-grinding arm, and does it know its way around a pair of cymbals?”

    Maggie Noble Nursery School Attendant
  • “Doesn’t change a thing for me. My favorite primate with a hairless face and blond mane is still Pamela Anderson.”

    Rolf Hofschneider Port Warden
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