New Moon Discovered Orbiting Neptune

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Vol 49 Issue 29

Royal Baby Born

LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into the world.

Martha Sarahns

Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.

Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who ...

Detroit Files For Bankruptcy

Detroit became the largest municipality in U.S. history to seek bankruptcy protection yesterday, which will likely force the city to slash government employment, sell assets, and further pare back municipal services.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

  • Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

    BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Healthy Eating

New Moon Discovered Orbiting Neptune

While studying pictures of Neptune, astronomer Mark Showalter noticed a small white spot that, upon further investigation, was found to be a previously unknown moon, the planet’s fourteenth, which will go by the designation S/2004 N 1. What do you think?

  • “Earth is such a one-moon joke of a planet.”

    Spencer Lovelady
    Crystal Inspector
  • “They should name it Anya. I love that name.”

    Sid Kaminsky
    Actuarial Clerk
  • “Showalter’s done it again!”

    Elizabeth Barbanell
    Filbert Grower
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