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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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New ‘Normal Barbie’ Doll Has Proportions Of Average Woman

In an effort to prevent young girls from developing a poor body image, artist Nickolay Lamm is seeking to crowdfund production of “Lammily,” a doll with the body proportions of an average 19-year-old. What do you think?

  • “Ugh. Don’t let her borrow any of Barbie’s clothes. She’ll stretch them out.”

    Tom Krakowski Unemployed
  • “I don’t care what the new standard of beauty is as long as girls feel pressured to meet it.”

    Christine Eckhouse Document Shredder
  • “Maybe if you base your life around a doll you deserve what you get.”

    Marc Nussbaum Trip Advisor

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