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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New ‘Normal Barbie’ Doll Has Proportions Of Average Woman

In an effort to prevent young girls from developing a poor body image, artist Nickolay Lamm is seeking to crowdfund production of “Lammily,” a doll with the body proportions of an average 19-year-old. What do you think?

  • “Ugh. Don’t let her borrow any of Barbie’s clothes. She’ll stretch them out.”

    Tom Krakowski Unemployed
  • “I don’t care what the new standard of beauty is as long as girls feel pressured to meet it.”

    Christine Eckhouse Document Shredder
  • “Maybe if you base your life around a doll you deserve what you get.”

    Marc Nussbaum Trip Advisor

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