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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Oil Field Discovered

The Chevron Corporation has discovered an oil field in the Gulf of Mexico which could possibly produce 6,000 barrels a day. What do you think?
  • "And to think I was going to have trouble finding a market for my diesel-powered laptop."

    Jeremy Slocumb Inventor
  • "I'd say after 4 billion years, the environment has had a pretty good run."

    Sheryl Mulhally Archivist
  • Hopefully this news will bring smiles to the faces of those poor oil executives whose only good news last year was record profit."

    Brandon Lyle Systems Analyst

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