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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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New Orleans Pets

According to reports, many people in New Orleans are reluctant to evacuate because they don't want to leave their pets. What do you think?
  • "As the owner of a Chihuahua, I've been looking for an excuse to ditch that damn thing for years."

    Rebecca Basset Systems Analyst
  • "I don’t blame them. With the situation down there the way it is, those pets are a valuable food source."

    Marcus Brauer Custodian
  • "Kitties and doggies in trouble? Finally, something to put a human face on this tragedy."

    Walt Kirsch Tax Preparer

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