adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Samsung Phone To Be Controlled By Eye Movements

According to sources, new eye-tracking technology in Samsung’s Galaxy S IV smartphone, which is set to debut on March 14, will allow users to scroll through webpages and applications by simply moving their eyes. What do you think?

  • “Could work, but it’ll take some convincing to get people used to the idea of constantly looking at their cell phones.”

    Marcel Inget Canary Breeder
  • “Ugh. So you’re telling me I have to move my eyes just to make the pages move?”

    Steve Terezakis Window Cleaner
  • “I already know that my snoopy coworker is going to fuck this all up for me.”

    Tanya Abbott Respiratory Therapist
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close