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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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New Samsung Phone To Be Controlled By Eye Movements

According to sources, new eye-tracking technology in Samsung’s Galaxy S IV smartphone, which is set to debut on March 14, will allow users to scroll through webpages and applications by simply moving their eyes. What do you think?

  • “Could work, but it’ll take some convincing to get people used to the idea of constantly looking at their cell phones.”

    Marcel Inget Canary Breeder
  • “Ugh. So you’re telling me I have to move my eyes just to make the pages move?”

    Steve Terezakis Window Cleaner
  • “I already know that my snoopy coworker is going to fuck this all up for me.”

    Tanya Abbott Respiratory Therapist

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