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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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New Species Count: 8.7 Million

According to a recent statistical analysis of Earth’s biodiversity, there are currently 8.7 million different species on the planet. What do you think?

  • "So we can lose the polar bears and it's no big deal, right?"

    Adam Ward Systems Analyst
  • "I think that's a surprisingly even number for there not to be an intelligent designer behind it all."

    Laura Waterhouse Gastroenterologist
  • "It's great to finally have a fixed number. As an avid organism-watcher, I've already checked 383 species off my life list. And look, a dandelion—384! I'm getting closer."

    Jim Sutton Jug Builder
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