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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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New ‘Star Trek’ Beer Released

A Canadian beer company has announced that it will produce a beer called Warnog, a Star Trek–themed beer that will serve as a follow-up to the popular Vulcan Ale they released last year. What do you think?

  • “Truly a testament to Gene Roddenberry’s pioneering vision for beer.”

    Clark Chamberlain Chair Tester
  • “What will they think of next? Maybe a different type of Star Trek beer.”

    Christina Kies Teen Counselor
  • “It’s pretty easy to make stuff based on other stuff, isn’t it?”

    Thomas Carbone Associate Supervisor

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