New Terror Plot Stopped

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

New Terror Plot Stopped

The country's aviation system is on high orange alert after officials broke up an al Qaeda plot to set off homemade bombs on flights from London to the U.S. What do you think?
  • "It's a sad day for humanity when promising young men choose to turn household items into bombs rather than drugs."

    Bettie Ledderer
    Nurse
  • "I think we all owe the British authorities a huge 'thank you' for preventing the shooting of countless terrible movies five years from now."

    Dennis Cornelius
    Systems Analyst
  • "These men may have been misguided, but it's not like there's a right way to commemorate the anniversary of September 11th."

    Gene Reiss
    Health Inspector