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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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New Theme Park To Feature Model Of Noah’s Ark

Creation Museum president Ken Ham has announced that thanks to a surge in donations after his debate with Bill Nye, his Christian ministry has raised enough money to begin building a $73 million theme park called Ark Encounter featuring a 150-foot-long model of Noah’s Ark. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a theme park that shares my contempt for science.”

    Dan Gill Public Park Supervisor
  • “Seventy-three million dollars, just like the Bible says.”

    Julie Courbold Town Clerk
  • “It’s about time someone commemorated the time God tried to kill us all.”

    Jeff Borten Operations Manager

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