adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Toyota ‘Driver Easy Speak’ Feature Helps Parents Yell At Children In Back Of Car

Toyota has announced that its new class of Sienna minivans will feature technology called “Driver Easy Speak,” which uses a microphone that amplifies the driver’s voice into speakers in the back seats of the car, so parents don’t have to shout at passengers. What do you think?

  • “It’s easier to just let them know I can swerve into oncoming traffic whenever I feel like it.”

    Rebecca Jacobson Perfume Tester
  • “This feature is also helpful if you like to be the loudest one in the car singing along to ‘Immigrant Song.’”

    Calvin Rasmussen Unemployed
  • “If you think I’m letting my kids set foot inside my sweet new Toyota Sienna, you’re out of your mind.”

    Bill Kyzer Chart Analyst

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close