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New Toyota ‘Driver Easy Speak’ Feature Helps Parents Yell At Children In Back Of Car

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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New Toyota ‘Driver Easy Speak’ Feature Helps Parents Yell At Children In Back Of Car

Toyota has announced that its new class of Sienna minivans will feature technology called “Driver Easy Speak,” which uses a microphone that amplifies the driver’s voice into speakers in the back seats of the car, so parents don’t have to shout at passengers. What do you think?

  • “It’s easier to just let them know I can swerve into oncoming traffic whenever I feel like it.”

    Rebecca Jacobson Perfume Tester
  • “This feature is also helpful if you like to be the loudest one in the car singing along to ‘Immigrant Song.’”

    Calvin Rasmussen Unemployed
  • “If you think I’m letting my kids set foot inside my sweet new Toyota Sienna, you’re out of your mind.”

    Bill Kyzer Chart Analyst

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