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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Toyota ‘Driver Easy Speak’ Feature Helps Parents Yell At Children In Back Of Car

Toyota has announced that its new class of Sienna minivans will feature technology called “Driver Easy Speak,” which uses a microphone that amplifies the driver’s voice into speakers in the back seats of the car, so parents don’t have to shout at passengers. What do you think?

  • “It’s easier to just let them know I can swerve into oncoming traffic whenever I feel like it.”

    Rebecca Jacobson Perfume Tester
  • “This feature is also helpful if you like to be the loudest one in the car singing along to ‘Immigrant Song.’”

    Calvin Rasmussen Unemployed
  • “If you think I’m letting my kids set foot inside my sweet new Toyota Sienna, you’re out of your mind.”

    Bill Kyzer Chart Analyst

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