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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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New Toyota ‘Driver Easy Speak’ Feature Helps Parents Yell At Children In Back Of Car

Toyota has announced that its new class of Sienna minivans will feature technology called “Driver Easy Speak,” which uses a microphone that amplifies the driver’s voice into speakers in the back seats of the car, so parents don’t have to shout at passengers. What do you think?

  • “It’s easier to just let them know I can swerve into oncoming traffic whenever I feel like it.”

    Rebecca Jacobson Perfume Tester
  • “This feature is also helpful if you like to be the loudest one in the car singing along to ‘Immigrant Song.’”

    Calvin Rasmussen Unemployed
  • “If you think I’m letting my kids set foot inside my sweet new Toyota Sienna, you’re out of your mind.”

    Bill Kyzer Chart Analyst

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