adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Twitter Video Service Rife With User Porn

Launched Thursday, Twitter’s new video app called Vine, which allows users to upload and share up to six seconds of footage, has already drawn a wide variety of self-made exhibitionist clips, as well as explicit sexual videos. What do you think?

  • “To be fair, I’ll probably just show my penis a couple times and then quit.”

    Mitchell Glover Greenskeeper
  • “I like them. Those concise, six-second pornos are often the most poignant.”

    Veronique Fricker Systems Analyst
  • “I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to my grandmother, or why.”

    Ned Lloyd Bindery Worker

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close