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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs

A computer scan by Panda Security showed that almost 6 percent of Windows systems were infected with the Conficker/Downanup worm, which harvests passwords and makes them easier to hijack. What do you think?
  • "Yes—another inadvertently downloaded virus thwarted by my inadvertently downloaded security patch."

    Paige Karenott Systems Analyst
  • "I refuse to live in fear, so to hell with it, mine's 7845shuteye."

    Emil Baer Ship-To-Shore Crane Engineer
  • "I'm flattered that some hacker out there thinks my password can't be guessed on the spot."

    Matt Staffen Machine Maintenance Mechanic
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