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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs

A computer scan by Panda Security showed that almost 6 percent of Windows systems were infected with the Conficker/Downanup worm, which harvests passwords and makes them easier to hijack. What do you think?
  • "Yes—another inadvertently downloaded virus thwarted by my inadvertently downloaded security patch."

    Paige Karenott Systems Analyst
  • "I refuse to live in fear, so to hell with it, mine's 7845shuteye."

    Emil Baer Ship-To-Shore Crane Engineer
  • "I'm flattered that some hacker out there thinks my password can't be guessed on the spot."

    Matt Staffen Machine Maintenance Mechanic

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