New Year's Resolutions

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NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

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ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

New Year's Resolutions

Every year, Americans celebrate the New Year by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year's resolution?
  • "Thanks for the heads-up. I'm going to make my resolution now and get a week's jump on all the other chumps."

    Darcy Fletcher
    Elevator Inspector
  • "I observe the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, which has already happened. For that New Year, I resolved to let everyone know that January 1st is not the only New Year."

    Ross Bernstein
    Systems Analyst
  • "I'm glad New Year's is coming up. I've been looking for an excuse to finally take care of this gangrenous leg."

    Matt Tulley
    Cabinetmaker