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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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New York Adds ‘Texting Zones’ To Highways

New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced the introduction of special “texting zones” along the state’s highways, which are designated parking areas and rest stops where motorists can pull over to check and send text messages. What do you think?

  • “The danger of crashing is what makes texting such a turn-on.”

    Jay Molla Food Science Technician
  • “But if you’ve ever been driving and gotten a text asking ‘where we watchin game?’ you know it can’t wait.”

    Mike Sprissler Cartographer
  • “That’s all right. I think I’ll just keep using the right lane.”

    Donna Balmer Bailiff

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